Someone’s been to the dentist today. I said on the drive home to my lovely Mumma Bear (henceforth MB) that I feel like my life is essentially, at its core, about being driven about to dispense money to various medically oriented establishments. Dentist Roy was pretty cool, though. He gave me a tooth x-ray for free and I got a little goody bag with a nice pen and an eco-friendly toothbrush. Money well spent. Oh and my teeth are white again.
I’ve just come through this hideous few months of having stained teeth. People weren’t running screaming in the streets when they saw me smile but I felt it was only a matter of time. I’d assumed the discolouration was the fault of some antibiotics I’d taken recently, but apparently not. Roy showed me a chart and everything. My teeth did not match the teeth ruined by antibiotics. Can’t argue with a good chart.
(Not my actual teeth pictured above – the stubble gives it away…my body doesn’t possess the requisite amount of testosterone to produce stubble. Probably for the best, really.)
Once we went through the list of other potential culprits: black tea, coffee, alcohol…and established that I am devoted to my abstinence from all… Roy paused then said, in a deadpan tone “must be all those cuban cigars you smoke”. I chuckled. Good ‘ol Roy. I felt comfortable enough after that interaction to drool on myself before this congenial man.
I’m not afraid of dentists like some people. Probably because I’ve never really needed anything particularly drastic done…no braces, no wisdom teeth out (they’re still lurking waiting for their moment) – just the odd filling here and there. It’s a neurosis I’m happy not to have. Aside from the drooling and holding your mouth open for an inordinately long period of time, I find it quite relaxing.
As I was lying back, chilling with my ill-fitting non-prescription dentist sunglasses, I looked up at a TV screen that had conveniently been placed at the perfect angle for my viewing pleasure. There was no sound but it displayed some lovely footage of waterbirds. Nature…so soothing.
Well, not for long. Almost to the second when Roy asked me to open my mouth ready for the noisy, scrapey implement – I had to stifle the urge to laugh…or react with my mouth at all really. The next episode on the screen was about Piranhas. Neither Roy nor his able assistant could see the screen but I felt like the Universe was teasing me in that moment as the fisherman on the screen held up a model piranha and zoomed in close on the teeth.
Was it serendipity? A fluke? An in-joke amongst staff at the clinic? I’ll never know. Just one of those weird private moments that occur in our minds when life gets a bit strange.
After I got over the shock of piranha-rama, I pondered what (if not the antibiotics) could have caused the staining. Then as I was leaving and brought it up again, as an afterthought Roy asked “do you take anything herbal…there’s this plant that lots of people take these days…” and somehow I knew what he meant and finished the sentence “turmeric?”
That was it. Apparently it can stain your teeth. So now when I have the best chai in the world with cold-pressed fresh turmeric in it from Byron Bay I’m going to exclusively drink through the use of a straw. I’ll reap the anti-inflammatory benefits AND avoid zombie teeth. Win-win.
So incase you’re now feeling a bit toothed-out, and for those who are wondering what the title of this post is all about…I’m a big fan of early 90’s music… so to help you sleep tonight after meeting Crazy-eyes Piranha above, here are some 90s inspired sweet dreams.